I am not easy to love

Author: Alex Myles

I know that I am a lot for some. I’m a restless force of unusual love and my beating heart rips through my veins.
I am also aware that my heart causes havoc; it shoots rainbow colored threads that tangle and knot in mischievously messy ways.

I’m not easy to love, apparently.
I remember it well, you said, it was because I feel “much too much.”
And sometimes, I guess, people can’t cope with “feeling” people. They don’t understand those who love skin, bone, and soul deep.
I get it, sort of.
But, please don’t tell others they are much “too much” and please, please don’t say it in a way that will make them feel as though they are wrong for owning a heart that bleeds.
I can take your harsh condemnations. I have gotten somewhat used to it.
However, once there was a time when comments like yours made me wrap up my too muchness so that I could hide it far from the rest of the world. I became afraid to tell people who mattered how I felt. I scared them by unleashing love.
But now I understand, some people want smaller, gentler, whispers of love. Not everyone loves like I do.
So, although your bite didn’t sting too much, there are others out there who will take your words and they will believe them to be true. They will desensitize themselves and shrink-wrap their comet-like heart to try to please you and believe me they will suffocate in their denial of love.
It isn’t wrong to expose raw vulnerabilities.
It’s not shameful to love hearts without limit and to accept and embrace them in an instant.
It doesn’t make a person weak or damaged or crazy, it’s courageous and brave to love this way.
It isn’t desperate when someone shows their cards and plays it straight instead of trying to gain advantage with tricks and mind games.
Nor does it mean they are a loose cannon frantically bolstering towards an altar in an attempt to commit to you for life.
Quite the opposite in fact.
This chaotic kind of love will never attempt to bind or tie.
For this type of love, that you possibly have never known, is as graceful as a river, although, it is free so it can also be fierce and fearless too.
At times there are harmless but breathtaking wild storms raging within it. The tornadoes and rain will flood riverbanks and cause the water to taste unknown land.
Just because you don’t feel equipped to hold that much love in your hands, if it appears again, try not to just dismiss it, lose yourself in it temporarily and adventure out and explore.
Those infinitely loving people with hearts that you think are too big, you see, they belong to nothing and no one. There is no need to be afraid. They ask for nothing and will offer you everything.
My Dear “almost love,” please understand, hearts that love without reason will never contain themselves. Nor will they try. They ache too much more when they are kept all locked safe on the inside. They will eventually crack and crumble and their love will eventually somehow spill out.
So, whatever you do, please don’t lock up hearts just because you don’t love to love in a “too much” kind of way. Throw away your heart-locking key.

If you don’t want an extraordinary, breathless, unforgettable love, then that’s okay; you can look, walk or run far away. Instead find someone who already layers their ribcage with indestructible bulletproof shields.
Maybe you will say they are not enough, or they might love the right amount, or you may even tell them they are still too much.
Or maybe, if it isn’t love, they will be “too much” something else.
You found my love undesirable and for a million or more reasons, I found you desirable. However, I desire to love this way so much more than the desires I had for you.
I have spent way too much of my lifetime tragically covering and masking my “too much” heart so that other people didn’t notice or feel the strength of my love.
Not any more.
I’m not sorry that I loved your petrified heart far “too much.”
I have not one regret.
I love everyone I meet that way. I just don’t know how else I’m supposed to love.
My heart spoke a language that you just couldn’t, and wouldn’t try, to understand.
Although, occasionally, in the midst of a star lit night, I wonder…
When you said you couldn’t love me…
Was it really that you thought that I felt “too much”?
Or was it simply because you didn’t feel enough?
Either way, whenever my heart is full to the brim with all this love, I smile to myself and think: “What a beautiful existence and what a way to be remembered, as the girl who was cast aside and unloved by you, when all she offered you was “too much” love.
We didn’t quite, but very nearly loved, each other.

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